[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
* Love and marriage *
* Go together like *
* A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute *
* You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try And you will only come *
* To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
Kelly, are you going out
walking by construction sites again?
Because if you are, give me five minutes.
I'll put on something cute and come join you.
No, Mom, this is my Valentine's Day outfit.
See, all the guys are down at the mall,
you know, waiting for me
to give me their cards and candy
and other gifts of their devotion,
so I'll be taking the laundry bag.
You don't need it, do you?
Nah. It's mostly decorative.
Gee, I sure hope Bud gets a Valentine this year.
So does he.
He's got about as much chance
of getting a Valentine
as I do of getting an "A."
Ladies...Kelly.
Yup, this is going to be my special day.
Any girls call me?
Yup. They call you Geek, Dork,
and Hairy Palms.
That was the old Bud.
This year, I'm hot.
See, in the past, I haven't been interested in girls.
Seeing Kelly in the morning can do that to a guy.
No, but this year, I threw around a few winks,
let it be known I'm accepting Valentines,
so they should be rolling in.
Won't they, Mom?
Sure, they will, son.
But not for you.
Well, I'm off to the mall.
Hey, Kel, I see you're wearing
your "love me for my mind" outfit again.
I hate Valentine's Day in the shoe store.
Every fat woman in Chicago hippos in
wanting pink pumps.
They think it makes them look sexy,
as if anyone could see the shoes
over the bulging flesh of their ankles.
Good morning, Al.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, honey, you want anything special
for Valentine's Day?
Yeah, but she's wrestling in the mud,
and I'm just living there.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Who the hell could that be?
Well, it's Valentine's Day. Maybe it's Cupid.
No, he'd never show his face around here again
after making this match.
Hi, Al.
You know, all you have to do is walk outside, look around.
You just know it's Valentine's Day.
What do you want?
Al, I need a favor.
Uh, Peggy, I need a favor.
I need someplace to hide Marcie's present.
Oh, gee, Steve, what is it?
You know, having Al for a husband,
I've always wondered, what do husbands
give their wives for Valentine's Day?
Well, this isn't a fair example.
See, for us, it's not just Valentine's Day.
It's our first anniversary.
Oh, Al...
Leave me alone.
Yes, well, uh, would you hide this for me?
Sure. I'll hide it upstairs.
Let me save you some wear and tear
on your nails and teeth.
See, the first anniversary is paper,
and since paper isn't all that romantic,
I got her tickets for two to Hawaii.
Oh, now, please don't tell her. I want it to be a surprise.
Don't worry. I can keep a secret.
Oh, by the way, Al,
that little rubber doughnut you ordered came in yesterday.
Al's got 'rhoids, you know.
Well, you're obviously sitting pretty.
So, what are you getting Peggy
for Valentine's Day?
Fur, jewels, a car?
If it was only that easy.
I'm going to have sex with her.
It's kind of a tradition.
Every Valentine's Day, I climb those stairs,
you know, walk the last mile, and, uh...
slam-dunk her one.
It's a spin through hell for me,
but she seems to like it.
I only pray that after 16 years,
Marcie and I will have
that kind of magic between us.
Steve, if it was magic,
I could do it from down here in front of the TV.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi, Peggy.
I waited till Steve left home.
I need your help.
What can I get him for our anniversary?
Well, don't get him two tickets to Hawaii.
That's what he got you. It's a surprise.
He got me tickets to Hawaii?
Damn him!
He's so irritating, getting me the perfect gift.
Now I have to get him something just as great.
What a weenie. God, I hate him.
Sure you do. He's your husband.
Yeah, well,
I still have to find him something really good--
something personal, something romantic,
something that symbolizes
the depth and purity of our relationship.
You could jump naked out of a cake.
Yeah. That says it all!
But who would know
where to find something so kinky?
Cakes a Poppin'.
Just ask for Leif. Here's their number.
Oh, and when you pay, have them stamp my card.
Two more, I get one free.
I'll do it.
I know. The cake can say,
"Take me. I'm yours."
Steve will love it. Thanks, Peg.
So, do you know what Al's getting you?
Oh, yeah. Same thing he gets me every year.
He's going to slam-dunk me a quick one.
Of course, those are his words.
I mean, in reality,
it's more like a foul shot.
You know, he takes a deep breath and scores.
Sure, it's worth a point,
but it will never make the highlight reel.
It's like your honeymoon never ended.
But as long as he tells you he loves you,
I guess that's all that really matters.
Actually, Al says,
"There. That should hold you."
But you know Al. You know,
he just has difficulty saying certain things,
Like "I love you," "thank you,"
and "Look out. There's a car coming."
Oh, bunk. You live in this hovel,
you bore him those two awful children,
and he can't even tell you he loves you?
I've heard him say "I love the Cubs."
"I'd love a beer."
"I'd love it if you leave, Marcie."
Face it, Peggy.
This man's no stranger to the word "love."
Oh, it doesn't matter. I mean, I know he loves me.
He doesn't say it,
and it would be nice to hear it once in a while,
but it's no big deal.
I mean, he does so many other wonderful things for me.
He, uh...
Hi, Mom.
Kelly, what does your father do for me?
Well, he...
Daddy?
Nevermind.
Where's your brother?
Oh, he's standing by the mailbox,
waiting for a valentine.
I haven't got the heart
to remind him it's Sunday.
Well, just in case he doesn't get one this year,
I want you to go easy on him, okay?
Come on, Mom. We both know
that Bud's an obnoxious, ratlike creature,
but it doesn't mean I don't love him.
He knows that.
How does he know that?
I tell him.
Well, has he ever told you?
Oh, sure. You got to.
I mean, it kind of takes the edge
off things like this...
Oh, Bud. It's Sunday.
There's no mail on Sunday.
Happy Valentine's Day.
No!
Love him? You betcha.
Hey, Peg. How come when I said, "Hi, Bud,"
he said, "I don't need your pity"?
You don't really want to know, do you?
Nope.
What time is dinner rearing its ugly head?
Soon, honey.
By the way... I love you, Al.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, Peg, I know you're anxiously awaiting
your Valentine sex-a-rama...
So here's the plan.
I can slide you in
between the Bulls- Pistons game
and The Rifleman.
Gee, there's about four or five commercials
in between them.
Are we going to do it twice?
Peg, remember,
a smart mouth is a lonely mouth.
You know, Al, this year,
I was hoping for something different.
Uh-uh, Peg. The socks stay on.
No, Al. This year, instead of sex,
I want you to tell me you love me.
What if I do take the socks off?
I'm serious, Al. I want to hear it.
Yeah, right.
Well, listen, Peg.
I'm going to go upstairs and wash up,
but just to show you
how really special you are to me,
tonight I'm going to kiss you.
Well, Mom, I've got all my cards in this bag.
Now, instead of dating all the guys in here,
which last year proved to be almost impossible,
this year, I'm going to pick one lucky guy
to represent all of my admirers.
Doesn't matter who it is.
This is the one day
everyone has a fair chance,
so pick one for me.
Josh.
He's really ugly. Pick again.
Sheldon?
Okay, give me the bag.
Okay.
Pick the red one with the star.
Johnny.
Oh, what luck. The cutest guy in school.
Oh, you sure know how to pick a man.
Well, all my Valentines finally came in.
I'm going upstairs to open them.
[BOTTLES CLANKING]
Sounds kind of like pop bottles.
Well, they're not.
They're paper.
[CLANK]
Uh, you know, Bud...
You're my Valentine.
Wow. Wait till I go tell the guys.
Well, speaking of losers,
I'm going to go through these excess Valentines.
Let's see. "Fairest Kelly."
"Beautiful Kelly." "Kelly, my love. "
"Dearest Bud"?
Yes, yes! I knew it!
Give it here.
It's from some girl named...April May June.
She says she loves me,
and she's coming over to see me tonight.
Oh, that's great, honey.
Did you write that card as a joke?
No. Did you?
Hey, you did write this, didn't you, Kel?
I mean, "April, May, June"--
those are all words you know.
Come on, Kel, just tell me, because I've got a chance
to go to the Bulls game tonight with Joey.
Gee, Bud. Dilemma, dilemma.
Do you get all dressed up,
stay here, and look like an idiot,
or go to the game,
stand up the only date you'll ever have,
and look like an idiot?
Hmm. Tough one for Bud.
Well, I'm going to got upstairs
and get ready for my real date.
Did you write that, Kel?
Just say yes or no.
No.
Come on, Kel, really, I know you did.
Okay, yeah, I did.
Oh, no, you didn't. Really, Kel?
Okay, Peg. No sense in putting off the inevitable.
Now, the kids are upstairs,
so we probably shouldn't do it up there,
what with your screaming and everything.
That was your fault, Al.
You're the one who turned the lights on.
Hey, let's not throw stones on this romantic night.
Now, it's almost time,
so why don't you go down to the basement,
blow up the air mattress?
I'll pop some Tums and be right down.
I want to hear it, Al.
I want to hear you say "I love you."
Not that again.
Okay, Peg.
Now, I know you didn't think of this yourself.
Now, where did this come from? Phil? Oprah?
Marcie.
Oh, great. The only one we can't turn off.
Al, Steve and Marcie not only say it,
they mean it, and they show it.
Do you know what Marcie's giving Steve tonight?
A running start.
No, she went to Cakes a Poppin',
and she's having herself delivered to him.
Then she's going to pop out naked.
I hope you're happy, Peg..
I'll never eat cake again.
Al, if she can go to all that trouble for Steve,
the least you can do for me is say "I love you."
I'm not going downstairs with you unless you say it.
Withholding sex from me, Peg? Oh no!
Well, I guess I'll just have to relax
and have fun instead.
Come on, Peg. What's the big deal?
You know I do.
I just don't like to say it.
It...makes me sick.
Well, it doesn't make me sick to say it.
I love you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll be waiting upstairs.
Time to reach out and touch someone.
Yeah, here we go.
Ahem. Ahem.
Hello. Yes, I'm calling about the Marcie Rhoades cake.
No, this is her husband.
Yes, there's been a change of plans.
Instead of the address she gave you...
Do you have a pen?
Bud, I don't know why you're dressed like that.
If you don't think you really have a date,
why did you pass up a chance to go to the game?
Look, maybe I just wanted to spend the night
watching the game with my Dad.
Why? What did I do?
Oh, by the way, Dad, Mom's upstairs cursing you.
I'm late. I've got to go.
Wait a second. Kelly, come here a second.
Now, you guys are, what, in your teens?
Something like that, Dad, yeah.
Well, you've known me most of those years.
How do you think your dad feels about you?
I mean, do you know that your dad...
Loves us?
Yeah, that. You guys know that, right?
Sure.
Dad, are you dying?
Yes, but no one seems to care.
So, but, I mean,
it's not important for you to hear, uh...
That you love us?
Yes.
Hey, you'll tell us when you're ready.
Yeah. Besides, we think it would make a nice moment
for when you're old and feeble.
Thank you.
I'd be getting ready if I were you, Bud.
I'm not falling for it, Kel.
Look, Dad, I've got a hot date coming.
Get out.
But the game's on.
Dad...
The way I see it, if you left now,
it would kind of be like saying...
you love me.
So...how you doing?
Aw, come on, Peg.
People shouldn't have to say it. It's unnecessary.
I haven't cheated on you. I haven't asked for my own room.
I stayed through two kids and your hotpants phase.
Doesn't that say it?
No.
Well, then...could I have my own room?
No!
Now, I want to hear it.
Why?
Because it's nice to know.
Now, I'll start. I love you.
Peg, this really makes my stomach hurt.
Well, then, you can feel better real quick.
Now, just say it.
I...
I have to go to the bathroom.
Thanks, Kel.
Real funny joke.
April May June... you're so immature.
Well, I hope you like the itching powder in your bra.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi, Bud. Did you get my Valentine?
I'm April May June.
Yes, yes, I vaguely remember.
Come in, come in.
So...you have quite an unusual name.
How did you get it?
My parents are idiots.
We have a lot in common.
So you want me to be your Valentine, eh?
Well, I saw you around school,
and I thought you were kind of cute,
but you never noticed me.
You think I'm cute?
Sure. All the girls do.
Then why did I only get one stinking Valentine?
Sorry. I meant thank you.
Why are you scratching?
It's this darn bra.
That's better.
And don't you hate it when they ride up on you?
Now, don't pull that upset stomach routine with me, Al.
Come out here and tell me you love me.
Are you going to tell me or not?
Okay, Peg, I'm going to say it...
but before I say it,
I want to tell you I really hate you for this.
I don't want to do it. I'm unhappy.
My stomach is boiling, my palms are sweating,
and if you think you're getting a jump after this,
you're sadly mistaken.
Of course, if you had a brain in that huge head,
you'd already know how I feel,
but you want to hear it, fine. This is what you want.
It's your stinking lousy Valentine's Day present,
so here it is...
I love you.
Oh, Al!
You didn't have to say that.
Gee, I only hope that Steve and Marcie
are as happy as we are right now.
Well, I don't know about Steve,
but, uh, Marcie's having the night of her life.
MARCIE: * My funny valentine *
* Sweet comic valentine *
* You make me smile... *
[***]